“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less