me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I enjoy a good short stor
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.