handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.