Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m calling the cops.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*