Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me: