What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
You Might Also Like
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.