If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?