Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
58.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.