The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
You sure about that?