Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.