This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.