If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.