“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster