ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you