“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.