I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.