when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.