*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally