I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.