Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Thursday
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form