Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.