My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.