Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Software Development ⛵️
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
found my next D&D character name
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose