“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Cannot stop laughing at this
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up