My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes