That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
You Might Also Like
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit