I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
<- sleeps well with others
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”