[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I don’t get marriage
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Yup.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I can’t stop laughing at this
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.