A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing