Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!