Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Have kids, they said
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
channeling her this year