If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
When you kidnap a writer.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner