Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.