Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Ah yes. The three genders
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.