“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
LMAO
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.