Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
He’s cranky this morning
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.