If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.