[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.