waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.