When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people