I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.