If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.