Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
finally
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!