Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m having an out of money experience.