Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?