when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf