Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness