For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
U talkin 2 me?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
584.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one