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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it