putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me linking you to my twitter